


Gray Areas

by Thursdays_Dove



Series: Near X Sayu [5]
Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Attempted Abortion, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, False Accusations, Past Relationship(s), Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7482438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thursdays_Dove/pseuds/Thursdays_Dove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After discovering that she is pregnant, Sayu is faced with several difficult decisions. Should she have an abortion? How will she tell her mother? Should she tell the father? Are white lies harmless or not? The truth and the decisions we make are not always black and white - sometimes there are gray areas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel I must again forewarn any readers that this story contains a discussion of the topic of abortion. This is an uncomfortable topic for many, both those who may have undergone the procedure and those who have not. Please be advised that this is not to be construed as my own political view - this is merely how I feel this particular character would react in such a situation. Anyway, I am not here to judge anyone and this is certainly not meant to upset anyone, it is only meant to be part of the plot of an overall series that I am working on.
> 
> Please, if you do leave comments, please keep them professional.
> 
> Also - Disclaimer goes here.

 

Sayu felt numb as she sat in the waiting room at the clinic. She couldn't find it in herself to so much as glance at any of the other women sitting in the room, knowing that odds were at least _one_ of them was most likely there for the same reason as she was. She wished that this whole ordeal could have been more discreet, but at least with her oversized hoodie, no outside observer could possibly know of her current state. Then again, women could really only be here for a handful of reasons, and any proud expectant mother probably would not be trying as hard she was to be so secretive, so perhaps she was only giving herself away the more she tried to hide herself. Then _again_ , maybe she was being paranoid and her mind was just in overdrive from all the increased hormones and given her situation in the first place. Either way, all this worrying was not doing her any good, and she was sure it wouldn't do the baby any good either.

She pushed out a breath of air, scoffing to herself. Wouldn't do the _baby_ any good? What did that matter? She was about to end its existence. In no less than a few hours, the tiny being would be gone, vanquished like a bad thought or memory - which it may as well have been, whenever she thought of how it had come to be.. which was, needless to say, a _constant_ thing. Just what she needed - a physical reminder of the fact that the man she had loved (still loved) was gone from her life.

Gone. That was another thing. She, for a reason she couldn't explain even to herself, could not bring herself to think of the baby as being anything other than "gone" once this was all over. She couldn't think of it as being dead. Or murdered. Especially not _murdered_. Would Kira have considered her a murderer? This _was_ one of those gray areas, wasn't it? How could you murder something that was never truly alive to begin with? Then again, she had heard that babies had a heartbeat as early as six weeks of gestation. But a heartbeat didn't mean anything, did it? The baby had never had a conscious thought or feeling. The baby had no memories. No loved ones to miss it when it was gone. No one even knew that it existed - except for her, but that was beside the point.

The baby wouldn't even feel anything, would it?

No, best not to think of it as a _baby_. Fetus. _Fetus_ was the proper term. A baby was only a baby once it was born. Wasn't it? She shuddered at the cold, clinical nature of her thoughts. Since when had she become so detached from normal human emotions? Were these thoughts even her own? She couldn't afford to think this way, not now.

She didn't realize that she had been holding her breath until a name was called. Gasping, she looked up, but it turned out it was not her turn after all. There just so happened to be another woman with a similar-sounding name being called in next. This woman was _clearly_ pregnant and looked radiant as could be. Sayu wondered if, one day, she would ever look that happy, pregnant or not. She didn't foresee it ever happening. She couldn't even fathom happiness at the moment. Happiness had been a small blip in time before her father had started on that damned Kira case all those years ago and before she had been kidnapped by the Mafia. Happiness had been an even smaller blip in time more recently, until that, too, had ended. Happiness was such a distant memory, she was sure she had even forgotten the definition of the word and would need a dictionary just to remember what it meant.

Quite suddenly, she felt like she wanted to cry. Not just cry, but actually start bawling. She felt her lungs and diaphragm spasm and only managed to conceal the beginnings of a sob by forcing it to sound more like a hiccup instead. She then had to proceed with the pretend hiccups for a minute or so until she was sure that she had convinced everyone else around her that she had not just been about to start crying her eyes out. After all of that, she didn't feel much better. Her eyes stung and she felt a horrible, crushing weight in her chest. She blamed it on all the stupid hormones.

When it was finally her turn, she made sure to keep her hoodie from riding up as she stood, already beginning to feel the difference her swelling belly made in her day-to-day movements, even at only eight weeks along. Just her luck that she had to end up with a larger-than-normal baby (fetus). She had Googled some pictures of other women's pregnant bellies and hers seemed to be much larger. Maybe it was because she was so thin to begin with. Whatever the case, it was awkward and made her wonder how on earth it would have even fit coming back out seven months from now anyway.

As she followed the nurse back, she felt the weight in her heart sinking even further down, until it lodged itself somewhere deep in her gut. She felt suddenly ill and had to hold her breath until the imminent feeling passed. How embarrassing, not to mention stereotypical, would it have been for her to puke all over their polished floor? It was another thing she blamed on the hormones.

She entered the small room in a dream-like state, her eyes taking in all the strange, crisp medical equipment and the bed-table or whatever it was called. Was this the same table normal, happy pregnant women lay upon to observe their unborn baby (fetus) while sighing and holding the hand of their partner, as she had seen in so many movies? She wondered in what other universe might that have been her and the baby's (fetus') father. The thought nearly made her choke up again, but she managed to resist after she was instructed to lay down on the table, draw up her shirt, and tug down her pants in a way that definitely made her feel exposed and uncomfortable.

As she did so, she wondered which drawer held all the surgical tools and which ones they would be using on her today. She had deftly avoided doing any online research about what exactly would happen during the process - she didn't want to know how painful it would be, didn't want to know what the _results_ looked like, and most definitely did not want to know how psychologically impacted she might be afterwards. She thought she was screwed up enough as it was - it was best to just think of this as a simple procedure to get rid of a bad stomach flu or something similar. Besides, the internet wasn't _always_ the best source of information - people could have made it sound all like roses and daisies for all she knew. And who knew what kind of roses and daisies people were sniffing these days? She didn't think there were even any _real_ roses and daisies left on the planet - they were all being manufactured somewhere and planted along highways and such so as to make people feel like things were still normal in a world that was full of much more turmoil than before the reign of Kira. But what did _she_ know of normal? Her brother had _been Kira_ all along, and she had only recently found out. It was that knowledge that had led to the demise of her relationship with the baby's (fetus') father - him and his stupid deceptiveness, keeping her in the dark about the truth for so long, and then trying to convince her that she had no need to know the truth and clearly she was nothing more than just a pity fuck, or two, or a dozen, or several dozen, she couldn't remember. It was all just a blur now, like how she had ended up on this table with her shirt lifted up and some slimy, cold jelly being squirted all over her stomach.

It wasn't until the cold jelly and ultrasound device was pressed hard against her lower abdomen that her rambling thoughts came to a screeching halt and she suddenly felt acutely aware of the fact that there was actually something _there_. Until then, it had just been two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. Until then, it had just been intermittent nausea and an aversion to the sight, smell, and taste of sushi. Until then, it had just been an increased need to get up and pee in the middle of the night and wanting to sleep all damn day. It may as well have been a false pregnancy test, depression, and a prank her body was pulling on her. This, however, was real. Very real.

She grimaced in discomfort as the nurse moved the thing around and viewed the screen that was turned away from her. She saw the nurses' eyebrows twitch slightly, which prompted her into clearing her throat and speaking up. "Wh-what is it? You can still, um.. you know, _do it_ , right?"

"Oh, yes, certainly. Terminating twins is no different than terminating a single fetus. Just trying to get a better idea of what all we have going on here so we can take the appropriate course of action."

Sayu blanched and if it weren't for the fact that she was already laying down, she was sure she would have fallen over. "Um, wh-.. Tw-... Excuse me, did you just say _twins_?" she squeaked faintly, feeling even more nauseous.

The nurse nodded. "That's right."

Two babies? She was carrying _two_ babies? How was that even possible? It was bad enough that she had been saddled with _one_ , never mind _two_. Now she had to face living with herself after killing _two_ babies?

It was just too much for her to take. She barely even noticed that her thoughts had skipped straight past all the cold, detached, clinical terms and straight back to referring to it ( _them_ ) as a baby ( _babies_ ). Without even thinking about it, she blurted, "Can I see them?"

The nurse pressed her lips together. "Seeing them will not make this decision any easier on you. In fact, it will make it all the more difficult."

"I-I still want to see them. Please."

With a small sigh, the nurse turned the monitor around so that Sayu could see it. At first, she didn't see much. It was nearly impossible for her to make out anything. About all she could see were two, small, dark ovals in the middle of a bunch of fuzzy gray stuff. She barely heard the nurse explaining what she was seeing, because she was focused on the two even smaller, whitish, grayish shapes inside the ovals. They didn't look like much, but she could just make out at least one tiny head and a couple limbs between them - one of them must have been turned in such a way that she could not see much other than its stubby little legs, and even then she couldn't tell they were legs until the nurse pointed them out. The nurse continued gently explaining what she was seeing, even pointing out these weird, flashing dots. It took her a moment to see them, but when she did, her brain just kept repeating: _Those are their hearts... Those are their little hearts beating..._

The issue was suddenly _very_ black and white. Before she even knew what she was saying, she said, "I-I'm sorry, I can't do this. I've changed my mind."

The nurse neither looked surprised nor did she try to convince her to change her mind. She simply handed her a cloth for her to clean herself up with and left the room after explaining that she should make an appointment with the front desk to come back for a regular prenatal exam. After doing so, she hurried outside and took the bus home. She disregarded the side-glances from strangers - they must have been staring at her on account of the huge, thick hoodie she was wearing.

Once home, she stripped off the hoodie and made a dash for the bathroom, where she relieved her aching bladder. After flushing the toilet, she washed her hands and stared at herself in the mirror. From the time she made her first prenatal exam until now, she had felt completely numb again. But now, as she stepped back, pulled up her shirt, and viewed her protruding belly, she began to shake. She placed a trembling hand upon her abdomen. There were two little hearts beating in there somewhere. Two little babies growing. Two little babies who would be born in seven months to a single, unwed mother. Two little babies who would never even know their father, and whose father would never even know of them. Two little babies who would never know that she had almost...

Thoroughly shaken and barely able to control her own breathing, Sayu removed her phone from her pocket and dialed her mother. By the time her mother answered, she had worked herself up into full-on gasping sobs.

"Mom," she said, her voice watery and shaking.

"Sayu?" came her mother's soft voice from the other end of the phone. "Are you crying? Is everything okay? What happened?"

"Mom," she began again, trying to stifle her tears, feeling her throat swell and throb angrily. "I... I-I-I... I-I-I-I h-have some.. something.. I n-need to tell you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know this chapter is super short, but I think part of it is because this is written from Sachiko Yagami's POV and she's kind of a bland character in my opinion. I tried to "spice" her up a bit here, but I dunno.. This isn't my best quality of writing and for that I apologize. Some may find this chapter to be a bit boring, but I assure you it is necessary to the overall plot.
> 
> Anyway, regardless of how I feel about it, I do so hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for reading. :3

Pregnant. Her daughter was pregnant? How could that be? Her Sayu may have been a bit adventurous and clumsy at times, but she never thought she could be so careless, especially not after the kidnapping. Her daughter had been terrified of any sort of human interaction for quite a long period of time, so how was it that she had gotten pregnant?

Yagami Sachiko wanted to believe it was a mistake, but after hearing the state of her daughter over the phone, she could tell that it was not. She was close to hysterical, so much so that Sachiko could only make out three details: Her daughter was pregnant, she was carrying twins, and she had tried to have an abortion but had lost her nerve, at which point Sayu had called her.

Towards the end of the call, once her daughter was calm enough to listen, Sachiko instructed Sayu to come over so that they could talk about it. With a watery sniffle, Sayu agreed that she would be over within the hour. And now Sachiko was waiting around for her arrival, wringing her hands in distress.

This was all her fault. She never should have let her daughter move out on her own, no matter how insistent she had been that she was ready to move on with her life and that she could take care of herself. At the time, she wanted so badly to believe that her daughter was healed (or as healed as she would ever be), she had agreed - albeit reluctantly - to let her move out, with the promise that she keep in touch and visit often. There had been no alarms going off at that time and Sachiko thought maybe being on her own would do Sayu some good.

How clearly mistaken she was.

It wasn't long before Sachiko heard a key working in the front door, drawing her attention. She rose to meet her daughter and the moment the door opened, said daughter flung herself into her arms where she resumed her sobbing from earlier. Sachiko received her with care, placing a hand on the back of her head as though she could still cradle her as she had when she was a baby. She allowed her daughter to remain like that for several long minutes before guiding her over to the couch and settling her down. She then handed her a tissue and a glass of water, making sure she drank from it before they went any further.

"Tell me what happened, Sayu," she gently prompted.

"I'm so sorry, Mom. I don't even know where to begin," said the young woman as she dabbed at her eyes with the tissue.

"Then tell me whatever you like. Or start at the beginning."

"Whatever I like? I never wanted any of this to happen. I was just-... I tried to.. Today, I went in to the clinic and tried to.. h-have an.. have an a-abortion," she stammered, as though it were difficult for her to use that word, "But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. After seeing them on the screen... I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry - I know I must be a huge disappointment to you-.."

"Sayu," Sachiko said, "You could never be a disappointment to me." She paused to make sure her daughter was listening to her before continuing, "If I'm to be honest - yes, I am disappointed at the situation, but not disappointed in you."

"I don't understand. Isn't that the same thing?"

Sachiko shook her head, "No, it's not." She waited for her daughter to say something further, and when she did not, Sachiko said, "Can I ask who the father is?"

She watched as a flush spread across her daughter's face. "Um.. It's no one you know." Sachiko looked at her expectantly, and when her daughter saw that look, she sighed and said, "He is - was - some detective. He-.."

"No one I know? Are you sure?" she asked, growing more suspicious by the moment that she did actually know who it was. She wasn't sure if the anger she felt towards this man was her own or that of her late husband. The anger was a bit uncharacteristic of her, she would admit, but then she would never have imagined that one day her unwed daughter would be telling her that she was pregnant.

"Yes, Mom, I'm sure."

"Have you told him yet?"

"I-.. I can't."

"Why not?"

"He, um... H-He.. He moved away."

"Moved _away_? Who was he? Was he some foreigner?"

"He is from Britain."

"Oh, Sayu.. Can't you call him? Do you still have his number?"

Sayu shook her head. "I have his number, but I can't call him because he changed his number."

"So, he impregnates you and then flees the country, is that it?"

"It's not like that. He's, uh.. He does detective work all over the world, that's all. And anyway, we broke up. I don't want anything to do with him anymore."

"Well, he should take responsibility for this."

Sayu scoffed at that, which was something that made Sachiko highly curious. Before she had a chance to ask her daughter what that meant, Sayu explained, "He's not the type to take responsibility for anything. I thought he was, but I was wrong."

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Are you saying that he _does_ know and is refusing to take responsibility?"

"No.. Just that he's not who I thought he was."

Sachiko sighed and felt at a loss. She wanted to make things right for her daughter, but it seemed her daughter was going to be stubborn and was intending on keeping the mystery father just that - a mystery. As her mother, Sachiko would have none of that, not if she could help it. She was going to find out who this man was and make him take responsibility if it was the last thing she did.

Something about her daughter's story was not adding up in her mind, though. Sayu had never been good at lying. In fact, neither of her children were (or had been) good at lying. It was partially thanks to a healthy, wholesome upbringing, but also it had a lot to do with how highly respectable their father was. As a man of the law, he had upheld and defended the truth with his life every day, and this was something that both children had admired greatly about him - so much so that her son had followed in his father's footsteps and made the ultimate sacrifice in pursuit of justice...

Well, she should not be thinking about that right now - not when her daughter needed her. The fact was that Sachiko knew that Sayu was not being entirely forthcoming with the details about how she had become pregnant and by whom. If the father did not know of the children, then why else would he have left the country? His being a Brit had nothing to do with it in her mind - he had obviously been around long enough to gain her daughter's trust, to the point where she would have allowed him to (as much as she hated to think of it) have sex with her - which would not have been an easy feat. All of that led her to believe that her daughter only mentioned his being a Brit to throw her off for whatever reason.

If he was a detective, as her daughter had said, then how could it be that she herself did not know who he was? She was familiar with all of the men her husband had worked with, even before the Kira case. She suspected that she did actually know who it was and that her daughter was just not willing to divulge that information to her. Why her daughter would be defending the man who had left her in this state was beyond her. Broken up or not, this man had a duty to do right by her daughter and Sachiko was intent on making sure he did just that.

An idea of how to rectify the situation crossed her mind, "Tell you what. It just so happens that we have some friends at the station who could probably track him down. Let me call them and tell them what you told me - I am sure-.."

"No!" Sayu interjected, her vehemence taking Sachiko by surprise, "There's no need to do that."

"And why not?"

"I'm pretty sure they won't be able to track him down - he travels all over the world. I'm sure they have bigger and better things to be doing right now. And anyway," she added sheepishly, "I don't want them all to know that I'm pregnant."

"All right," Sachiko agreed, but at that point she already had her suspicions of who she would be calling as soon as she had a chance.

"What am I going to do?" Sayu said, her voice weak and trembling, "I-I can't raise a baby on my own - never mind two babies. I have no idea what to do.."

"We'll work it out," she said, taking one of her daughter's hands in hers and giving it a reassuring squeeze, "For starters, why don't you move back home for now? It'll work to both of our benefits - I have missed having you around, and then I can also help with raising the children."

"But... what about money?"

"Your father left us enough money to be able to make do. Also, there was the life insurance policy on your father and the benefits we got for his and your brother's work on the Kira case."

"Are you sure that's okay? I don't want to be a burden..."

"A burden is the last thing you will be," Sachiko said with a motherly smile, trying her best to not let her daughter see how affected she really was by the situation. This was a situation that her husband would have been able to make right almost immediately - but since he was gone, Sachiko had no choice but to step into his role.

"If you're sure…"

"I am. Let me help you with this."

"Dad would be so disappointed in me…"

"Don't worry about what he would have thought. He only wanted what was best for you."

"I know. But still…"

"Hush now. All this worrying is not good for the babies. From now on, you must think of them above all others."

"Okay.. but.. I don't think I am ready for this," she whimpered, her head hanging and eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

Sachiko sighed, "Ready or not, this is what's happening. You have accept the consequences of your actions and make the best of them."

"I understand. I'm so sorry."

"That's enough of that," she consoled. "Now, why don't you stay the night? You can stay in your old room and I will make you breakfast in the morning. Then we can talk about this some more tomorrow."

"That.. actually sounds really great," her daughter said, finally beginning to brighten up, if only moderately so. "Can we watch a movie together, too?"

"Of course."

After that, Sayu stated that she would need to go home first to gather some of her belongings. Sachiko agreed and hugged Sayu again before she left to go fetch said belongings. The moment the door closed behind her daughter, Sachiko pressed her lips together in grim determination and immediately went to grab her phone. She punched in the number and waited while it rang.

For her, this issue had no gray areas – there was only black and white. No, not even black and white - it was transparent. When all was said and done, after she added everything up in her head, there was only one man who could possibly be the father of her daughter's children.

"Hello? This is Touta Matsuda."

"Matsuda, hi. It's Sachiko - Sayu's mom."

"Oh, hey, Mrs. Yagami. How are you?"

"I'm fine. I was just wondering.. When do you plan on marrying my daughter?"

"...What?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize for whatever lame humor may be contained within this chapter, but, well.. it's Matsuda. :P
> 
> Also, I find myself really wishing I could bring L into this series - I would so love to write scenes involving him - but seeing as he is dead... :(
> 
> Lastly, I don't know if I like the whole chapter name theme going on in this fic. I may change it later.
> 
> Oh well. Thanks again for reading so far! Hope you have enjoyed it. :3

Matsuda stared at his phone, more dumbfounded than ever before - and that, he would freely admit, was really saying something. Him? Marry _Sayu_? That was news to him. Where on earth had she gotten such an idea and why was she spontaneously bringing it up now?

"Don't you 'what' me, young man," Mrs. Yagami scolded, as though he were some wayward teen, "You got my daughter pregnant, and I fully expect you to own up to the responsibility."

A loud squawk, much like that of a large, overgrown bird, was the only response Matsuda could form. Seeing as he was surrounded by several of his colleagues, that certainly earned himself some interesting looks.

With a disarming smile, he covered the receiver with one hand and said, "Nothing to worry about guys, just the ol' landlady.. who has the same surname as the old chief's wife, heh, fancy that. I'm sure there's just some misundersta-.. Yes, yes! I can hear you! Give me just a minute to get to another room, okay?"

Ide raised an eyebrow at him, "Is everything.. okay?"

"Oh, yes, definitely! N-No worries," he said, gesturing with one hand in the air as if he were shooing away a fly, "I'm just gonna, er.. take this into the other room."

And with that, he made a quick escape, sprinting down the hallway as he sought one of the empty conference rooms so that he could have some privacy. After accidentally interrupting one meeting in which a dozen or so disgruntled businessmen all glared at him, he came across an empty room. He shut and locked the door behind him once he was inside.

"Okay," he puffed, trying to catch his breath, "I'm at a more private place. Now _what_ are you talking about? Sayu's _pregnant_?!"

"Don't act so surprised - you're the one who got her pregnant, and as I said before, I fully expect you to be a man, take responsibility, and marry her."

"Wait, Mrs. Yagami, _wait_ ," he implored, forcing aside the worst of his shock in an attempt to bring some clarity to this baffling conversation, "W-What makes you think it's _mine_?"

The woman on the other end of the phone pushed out a sigh, "How typical."

"Typical? What do you-.."

"You young men these days - you're all about having fun until it's time to take some ownership for your actions."

"Young men? Ownership? Mrs. Yagami, I swear to you, I have no idea what you are talking about!"

"And I don't know what you are getting at or why you are playing dumb-.."

"Stop saying that, please! There must be some kind of mistake!" he said, almost in a panic.

"Oh there's a mistake all right - or rather, an accident - two of them, in fact," she said, her choice of words causing Matsuda to blink at what she could have possibly meant.

"Okay, sure. But please - I don't understand what is going on. Sayu and I never dated. I only saw her a few weeks ago," he said, his mind reeling not only from the news that Sayu was pregnant (..Sayu was _pregnant_?), but that it was supposedly his. Unless he missed something, they had never slept together. The only times they had been around each other in the last three years was last week, when she had visited the station to talk about Light's case, and then a few weeks before that on the third anniversary of Light's death, when she had helped him home dru-.. Oh... "...Oh..."

This seemed to act as a confirmation for Mrs. Yagami, because her next words were uttered like venom, "So, _now_ you remember, I see. Matsuda, I'm going to give you a chance to do right by my daughter -"

" - Wait, Mrs. Yagami, you've got it all wrong!"

" - or else I will see what your parents have to say."

"NO! For the love of all that is holy, _don't do that_!"

"You have until tonight, Matsuda."

"Wait! What are you-..?" But Matsuda could get no further words out before he heard a click, signaling the end of the call.

What the _hell_ had just happened?! He felt as though he had been hit over the head with a sledgehammer a couple of times. Either that or someone had repeatedly slammed his head in a door. Whichever, he felt like all sense had been knocked out of him. His brain couldn't even form any cohesive thoughts after that assault to his senses. The only thing he _could_ think was that Sayu owed him an explanation or two.

Shaking off his momentary stupor, he brought up her contact info and waited in turmoil as the line rang. He was most disappointed when she did not pick up.

Five minutes. He would give her five minutes before calling her again.

Thirty seconds later, he was putting in her number again and was, again, deflated by hearing her voicemail pick up instead. Well, shit. He hoped she wasn't still mad at him and still avoiding his calls after the whole accidentally-revealing-that-he-had-shot-Light-because-Light-had-been-Kira-and-had-tried-to-kill-them-and-thereafter-forcing-him-and-Aizawa-to-sit-down-with-her-to-go-over-her-brother's-case fiasco. He hoped that maybe she was just in the bathroom or something. He decided he would give her just a couple more minutes to finish up.

He _might_ have gone a bit overboard by calling her ten times in ten minutes, but he was also too much in panic mode for logical thought. Perhaps if he called her just one more time, she would pick up.

When she finally did pick up, she sounded less than thrilled to be hearing from him, "Matsuda, I just walked in the door. What-.."

"Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?!" he blurted without preamble, "You told me we didn't sleep together!"

There was a pause that Matsuda could have only described as stupefied. He could all but see her with her mouth hanging open in his mind's eye.

She stammered, "H-How did you-..?"

"Your mother just called me and told me you are pregnant and that it's mine! And then she threatened me! Is this true? _How_ is it true?!"

He heard a trembling sigh from the other end of the phone, one that sounded like she was about to start crying, followed by a sharp inhale and then a loud, angry huff, "Of course it's not yours, you idiot! Why the hell would it be?!"

"Well, what else am I supposed to think? Your mother calls me and accuses me of getting you pregnant, and then I think back to how you helped me home after drinking and then spent the night at my apartment-... and... You said we didn't sleep together!"

"Of course we didn't! What, do you think I just take advantage of intoxicated men?! Do you think I am some kind of whore or something?! I helped you home because you _needed_ help and then I stayed the night because you blurted out that you killed my brother! At what point would I have had the chance or even the desire to sleep with you?!"

Her ire and apparent hurt at the accusation pierced a hole in Matsuda's hysteria, allowing the worst of it to drain out of him. Feeling significantly less confident in his own argument, regardless of what Mrs. Yagami had said, he queried, "Well.. if it's not mine, then who-..?"

"Who do you _think_?!"

At first, he couldn't think of who it could possibly be. But when the answer all at once crossed his mind, he said, "Don't tell me..." He trailed off, thinking she would fill in the rest for him, but instead his reluctance was met with what were definitely sobs coming from the young woman. "Sayu, I'm.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to yell at you. And I shouldn't have assumed. When you told me last week that you and Near had been seeing each other, I didn't think-.. I shouldn't have-.. I'm sorry. Please don't cry."

But she did cry. He had no choice but to let her cry. There was nothing he could say at that point to take back what had just happened, so he felt it wise to give her a minute or two to get it out of her system. No doubt hormones were playing a role as well, not that he had been around a lot of pregnant women, to be honest. He was a bit surprised that she was allowing him to hear her like this, so it was even more important for him to remain respectfully quiet during her breakdown.

His mind kept reeling from the impossibility of it all. Sayu was _pregnant_? And _Near_ was the father? Who knew that guy even had it in him? As far as weirdness went, it ranked up there right along with picturing Ryuzaki wearing shoes or eating vegetables, or wondering whether he sat in his awkward crouch while using the toilet, too..

What? No! Why did these thoughts always have to float unbidden into his head like that? Was he just some kind of unwilling vessel through which the screwed-up thought gods expressed their disturbing thoughts? He sure as hell never asked for them. Sometimes he wondered if he had some form of adult ADD or something and if this very line of thought was proof of such. Who knew? Sayu was still crying and he still had not come up with anything that could possibly bring her any comfort.

Pushing those thoughts aside, Matsuda was torn between his own relief that he had not illegitimately fathered a child with her and also wanting to congratulate her, wanting to comfort her, and wanting to track down that little bastard and beat the shit out of him for doing this to her. Matsuda was not necessarily prone to violence - not unless he was pushed - but when it came to Sayu, he felt strangely protective. He wasn't sure if it was because he harbored latent feelings for her or if it was because she was the younger sister of someone he had once considered somewhat of a brother.

Either way - how dare Near knock her up and then break things off with the NPA like it was nothing?

Wait a minute...

"Sayu..." he began, hoping he wasn't overstepping his bounds by asking, but nonetheless it was something he had to know, "Does he know..?"

He heard a scuffling noise and guessed it was her wiping her eyes or something with a tissue. "No," she croaked.

Well, that was good. At least Near hadn't run away from the responsibility. Still, it left Matsuda with a myriad of questions.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know," she said, her voice cracking, "I don't know what to do. But I don't really want to talk about it right now either."

"Sorry," he said lamely, feeling at a total loss and not sure what he could possibly do to help.

"It's... It's not your fault," she said, gasping a breath as though she was about to start crying again, "I'm sorry my mom called you. I told her not to call you or anyone at the station, but I guess she didn't listen."

"Well..." he said with caution, "If it makes you feel any better.. she only called me. Although she did threaten to call my parents if I didn't own up... But I'm sure she was just doing it to protect you."

"Oh God..."

"No no no, please, Sayu, _please_ don't cry. I guess that wasn't the right thing to say..."

"No, it's not you, I just don't want you to be in trouble with your parents for my mistakes." She pushed out another heavy sigh, and he could tell how hard she was struggling to regain control of her emotions. "I'll talk to my mom and clear this up."

"Okay, but... Do you, um... Do you need company.. or anything?"

"No. I'm actually supposed to be staying the night with my mom tonight so we can work things out in the morning."

"Oh, okay. Well, if there is anything I can do to help - anything - then please let me know."

"After my mom accused you of getting me pregnant and then threatened you?"

"Well, to be fair, a lot of people threaten me for various reasons," he said in an attempt to lighten to mood, inwardly wincing at the lameness of it all.

It seemed to work because it earned him a watery chuckle. The sound of her laughter, however light, lifted his spirits a bit as well, though he did feel terrible for her, being left in this situation and all. He thought about asking her if she could just get an abortion, but he thought that that might be too insensitive and that she wouldn't appreciate it. Besides, it sounded as though she had already weighed that option and had decided against it.

"Thank you, I think I really needed the laugh," she said, sniffing, and he could hear the slight change in her tone that told him she was feeling at least a little better.

"That's what I'm good for, right?" he said, feeling himself begin to smile, too, in spite of the reason the call had been initiated.

"You are a good person and a good friend, Matsuda. I am sorry for yelling at you-.."

"I deserved it for, you know, insinuating.. things."

"Maybe."

"And besides - I'm the one who is supposed to be comforting you."

"I'll be okay. I have survived worse," she sighed, and Matsuda had a hard time deciding how to react to her dry humor. Kidnapping was no laughing matter, but if she was okay enough to make a joke about it... Then again, was she joking about it or just acknowledging it?

"Anyway," she continued, "I need to call my mom before she ruins your life with her assumptions. I still can't believe she called you.."

"Don't worry about it. I should get back to work anyway."

After they hung up, Matsuda felt an odd mixture of feelings swirling around inside of him. Truthfully, he wasn't sure how he was _supposed_ to be feeling right then. His feelings weren't always black and white - sometimes they were opaque.

Same as he had felt earlier, he did still feel relieved that he had not unwittingly slept with and impregnated Sayu - he would have never forgiven himself, but of course, had he been the one responsible, he absolutely would have stepped forward and taken responsibility.

He also still felt anger towards Near for putting Sayu in this situation. He knew, logically, that Sayu was equally responsible, but for some reason it seemed easier to place most, if not all, of the blame on Near. He was the one who had decided to be petty, after all.

Also, somewhat buried under those feelings, was this feeling of mild giddiness. She had said he was a good friend. She had forgiven him. He never thought she would, but it seemed she had. It left him with a good feeling on the inside, and when he returned back to work, it caused a couple of his cohorts to look at him in curiosity.

"Why are you smiling like you just got laid?" Yamamoto asked, an eyebrow quirked.

"Because I didn't."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer: This briefly mentions racism - I am not condoning or agreeing with racism in the least, but from what I understand, children of mixed races are often looked down upon and ostracized in Japan. If I am wrong, I apologize - I only know what I have learned about online.

Sayu couldn't believe that her mother had done something so rash as to call Matsuda, accuse him of getting her pregnant, and then threaten him – and after having told her to not call anyone from the NPA. She knew that her mother was only fulfilling her sense of duty and trying to help her in her own way, but still it irked her to no end. As if the whole situation was not stressful and embarrassing enough, having to listen to Matsuda's accusations and now to be forced to put things right for him was just the cherry on top of the sundae.

Cherries sure sounded good right then.

With a sigh, she took a few minutes to regroup, her mind going back over everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours (more like the last few _years_ , but whatever), before forcing herself to call her mother.

"Sayu, are you on your way back over yet?"

"I will be soon – I am getting my stuff together now," she said as she sat still on her couch. "I just wanted to call real quick because I just got a call from a very upset Matsuda."

"Well, he should be upset for getting you pregnant and then not even acknowledging that he is responsible."

Sayu sighed, "That's just it, Mom. He is not the father. Where did you get that idea?"

"You told me he was a detective and I thought it was someone you had known for a while. And then I thought back to how Matsuda was calling for you a few weeks ago – how concerned and panicked he sounded."

"But I said it wasn't anyone you knew."

"Dear, I'm sorry, but to me it sounded like you were trying to cover for him."

"Why would I-…?" Sayu cut herself off and took a deep breath, willing herself to remain calm. She realized that she could actually see where her mother was coming from. She had not been entirely forthcoming with the details and of course her mother knew her well enough to sense that. She began again, "Mom, please, just trust me. I know you're only trying to look out for me, and I appreciate that, but-… Matsuda and I have never been involved with each other. We're just friends. So please don't call his parents and get him in trouble."

There was a pause before her mother said, "All right."

"I promise that I will explain things to you as best as I can, but.. I need a little more time. It's complicated," she said, feeling her throat swell up because it _was_ complicated, and any time she thought of Nate, she felt like she was going to start crying and never stop. No matter how hard she tried, she could not romanticize the idea of having his children, not like this. She tightened her jaw and pressed her molars together to stop herself from going through with the urge to cry, her voice turning hoarse with the effort, "Can we please go with our original plan and watch a movie tonight and then talk about it in the morning? I just-… I don't know how much more I can take in one day."

Her mother must have heard the hoarseness in her voice, because her entire demeanor changed, "All right, dear. I do trust you. I'm sorry for upsetting you."

"I'm okay," she said, realizing that that was probably the biggest lie she had ever told and feeling the bitterness of everything sink further into her. "I'll be over in a little bit."

"All right," her mother said again. "I'll see you soon."

After they hung up, a tremor ran through her, her eyes dampening and threatening to spill more tears. She took in a deep breath, her hands gripping the edge of the couch as she leaned forward, trying to calm herself down, and in the process feeling the uncomfortable pressure of her swelling belly pressing against waistline of her jeans. Well, she would have to retire this pair soon. In fact, she would very soon have to put away all of her regular clothes and replace them with maternity clothes.

Maternity clothes. It was hard for her to picture herself growing large enough to require such clothing, but she knew it was going to happen fast, doubly so for her because she was carrying twins. She was going to be purchasing stretchy pants and the like, while all of her friends would be out shopping for the newest fashion trends. She supposed she hadn't cared much about fashion trends in a while, not since the kidnapping, but sometimes it was all her friends wanted to talk about.

Her friends. How were they going to take this? Was she even going to tell them? She hadn't really talked to any of them in the last month, probably longer. None of them had tried to reach out to her, either. They would probably smile at her and say they were happy for her, but deep down they would think she was just some careless slut, which cemented for her the thought that none of them had ever been really great friends to begin with. In reality, each of them was just as sexually active as she was (or had been, until recently), but of course none of them would be unlucky enough to have to wear their failed birth control right up front for all to see.

How was she going to get through this…?

She bit down on her bottom lip, hard, and shook her head at herself. No more crying. No more crying about this. Hormones or not, depression or not, she had to be strong. She had no one to blame but herself. She was the one who had made the decision to call Nate last year; she was the one who had become interested in him and decided that she wanted to get to know him better; she was the one who had started inviting him out for coffee or lunch; she was the one who had invited him over to her apartment that day, after having been caught in the rain, and had taken their friendship to the next level; she was the one who had assured him that her birth control would be enough after he had asked her about using protection; she was the one who had ended things between them after uncovering all the lies and his inhuman behavior regarding it all; she was the one who decided against having an abortion; and now she was the one who had to deal with the consequences of those decisions.

She had even more decisions to make now, like how to explain all of this to her mother. Apparently her first explanation had not been enough and she would have to elaborate. But how could she? Learning that she had been sleeping with the world's greatest detective for the last eight months had been a shock in and of itself, but then to find out that she was carrying his children... How could she possibly explain to her mother that the father of her children was L himself? Maybe he wasn't the original L – as she had learned last week from Aizawa and Matsuda during their discussion of her brother's case – but Nate had succeeded him, thus making him L all the same.

As angry as she was at Nate, she did not feel it would be right to reveal his identity as L to anyone, even to her own mother – not that her mother would have believed her anyway. Even though they were broken up and even though he had made the decision to no longer cooperate with the NPA, his detective work did save lives and did bring vicious criminals to justice, and that was not something Sayu had the heart to disrupt. Her personal problems were not more important than that.

Which brought her to the next decision she had to make – whether or not she should tell him that she was pregnant. She could easily explain how she had become pregnant to her mother in comparison to this decision. It was true that she still had feelings for him – her heart stung whenever she thought of how happy she had been with him – but that did not excuse his inhuman behavior during their last conversation. He had revealed to her a side that she had never known existed – a cold, monstrous side that she could not reconcile with the soft, sweet, thoughtful Nate that she had known from the beginning. It had been hard enough being on the receiving end of this behavior, but to imagine it towards children...

Not only that, but would he even want a family? They had never discussed anything regarding their future together - they had both been content with experiencing their relationship in the present, and Sayu had never expected or thought about anything more with him. True, she had once upon a time imagined getting married and being a housewife, but those were not necessarily things she cared about or wanted anymore. From the time she had met Nate, she had actually been more interested in his work and her writing as opposed to being a housewife. He had helped her discover a strength inside of herself that she had never even known was there. He had given her courage and confidence in herself. And she, in turn, had watched him open up and his own confidence grow, at least when it came to social circumstances - he seemed to be quite confident in his own abilities, but when it came to anything else, he was awkward and shy. Before everything came crashing down at the end, they really had been something special together... But even with all of that, she could not picture him ever asking her to marry him or ask her for children.

Aside from that, surely his career as the world's greatest detective hindered his ability (never mind his desire) to have a family. He had seemed content enough with coming home to her between his cases and spending a day or two with her, but how would that work with children? She remembered how hard it had been for her as a child with her father being gone during most of her waking hours, sometimes for days on end, especially during the Kira (Light's) case. It was not something she would have wished on anyone. She loved and admired her father for his hard work and integrity, but it had made her childhood difficult and sometimes lonely, even with her brother and mother around and her supply of friends at school. Maybe Light had always been content with being independent, but in her younger days Sayu had heavily relied on the company of others to fill in that loneliness.

All of her thoughts pointed her towards deciding not to tell Nate, but could she really do such a thing? Keeping his children a secret from him - that was about as big a lie as they came, even if she wasn't lying directly to him. How could she rightfully keep a secret this big from him when she had broken up with him over keeping the fact that Light had been Kira a secret from her? It would pretty much make her the biggest hypocrite ever, and that clashed greatly with her inner sense of integrity.

And this was nothing to say of what her children would go through, being both fatherless and born of an interracial union.

It altogether was not something she could even fathom at this point. She had learned only about a week ago that she was pregnant - that alone had not had any time to sink in yet, much less all these decisions that were suddenly thrust upon her. She could barely picture herself with a huge pregnant belly much less picture having two school age children.

There was simply no way she could make that decision right now. She at least had some time before telling him, if that was what she chose to do.

Feeling a little bit calmer, she rose from the couch and collected the few things she would need for spending the night with her mother. Maybe after a night of movies and a night of sleep in her old bed, things would look clearer.


	5. Chapter 5

As promised, once Sayu arrived back at the Yagami residence, she and Sachiko sat down, had dinner, and watched a movie together – several movies, in fact. In the interim, neither of them mentioned the real reason Sayu was there. Sachiko wished she could be content with simply getting to spend time with her daughter, but she could not stop her mind from racing with thoughts about everything. She barely realized when one movie was ending and the next was beginning for how much she was paying attention.

At one point during the third movie, Sayu got up to use the restroom, and when she returned a few minutes later, she curled up next to Sachiko instead of returning to her original spot on the sofa. Eventually, her daughter ended up with her head in her lap, where Sachiko gently stroked the young woman's hair until she fell asleep a short amount of time later. Neither of them saw the end of the movie, and afterwards Sachiko could not remember much about it anyway.

After helping her drowsy daughter to bed, Sachiko felt her heart swell with sadness and regret – sadness for her daughter, for everything both of them had been through, and for the current situation; and regret for the fact that she had been too wrapped up in her own grief over the loss of her husband and her son to see how much her daughter still needed her. As a few tears began to roll down her cheeks at these realizations, she felt more fiercely protective of her daughter than ever before and resolved to do better in her unwilling role as matriarch from that moment forward.

In the morning, also as promised, Sachiko prepared breakfast for her daughter. Sayu declined the fish, but went for the rice, soup, and eggs, and ate the devil out of the fruit at the end. Sachiko could remember the days when she was pregnant - she did not experience any of those exaggerated cravings that everyone seemed to joke about when it came to pregnancy, but one thing she did seem to want more of was sugar - fruity things in particular. It seemed her daughter was experiencing the same craving, whether she was aware of it or not.

As she surreptitiously watched her daughter polish off the last couple strawberries, she felt an uncomfortable pull in her stomach. Should she broach the subject with her daughter? Considering the disaster from the day before, the last thing she wanted to do was stress out her daughter further by bringing it up before she was ready. Knowing that her daughter was not healed from everything that had happened made Sachiko feel reluctant to do anything that would potentially exacerbate her emotional condition, especially now that she knew she was pregnant.

The tension continued when her daughter got up to help her clean the dishes.

"Sayu, I can take care of this. Why don't you go sit down and I'll be over in a minute."

Sayu sighed, "I'm not crippled - I'm just pregnant. I can help with the dishes."

"All right," Sachiko conceded, scooting over at the sink to allow her daughter in to assist her.

Since when had her daughter become so stubborn and independent? It was so incongruent with how her daughter used to be, she wasn't sure if she should feel proud or worried. To her it seemed like Sayu was taking on some of her brother's more prominent traits in his absence. Light had been just about as driven and headstrong as they came, traits he had no doubt inherited from his father. But Sayu had always been codependent and easy-going, if not a little clumsy and lazy. It made Sachiko feel even more guilty, because she wondered if this had come about because Sayu felt like she had no one she could rely on anymore. She had once upon a time relied on her family for so much, and now that half of that family was gone and Sachiko herself had been emotionally unavailable...

Was this how things had started between her and this mysterious traveling detective who was the father of her grandchildren? Would any of this have happened if she had been paying more attention? She did not get much time to wonder, because the two of them had the dishes conquered within a matter of minutes and then Sayu was breaking the silence.

"Thank you for breakfast and for everything, Mom. I know that you are wanting to talk about everything some more and I think I am ready now. I feel a little better than I did yesterday," she said as she moved to sit down on the couch. She noticed the grimace on her daughter's face as she folded into the seat, no doubt experiencing discomfort from clothes that were now too small for her.

"I'm glad you are feeling better," she said as she sat beside her daughter. "We will have to get you some new clothes soon. Do you want to go out this afternoon?"

"Maybe so," her daughter said, shifting until she appeared more comfortable. She noticed a flush spread across her daughter's face as well. "Um.. I would actually feel a lot better doing that if you went with me."

Now _there_ was the Sayu she knew. Sachiko smiled, half to comfort her daughter and half in relief. "Of course I will go with you."

"I'm sorry for being so.. I don't know - distant - I guess. I'm sorry for everything."

"I am sorry, too. I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most."

Sayu made a noise that sounded half-way between a laugh and a scoff, "If ever there was a time I needed you _most_ , it's now. I'm sorry for how selfish that sounds, but it's true. I have no idea what I am doing."

"It's okay. I admit that this situation is not ideal, but I am here to help," she paused, and could not help but add, "Also I'm sorry for jumping and calling Matsuda after you asked me not to. I was just trying to do what I thought was right for you."

"I know. And like I said before, I really do appreciate the thought, but.. Matsuda really is not the father."

Sachiko pressed her lips together, still flummoxed by the fact that Matsuda was not involved in this in any way. She had been so sure of her conclusion that the babies were his. Unable to resist, she asked in as polite a way as possible, "Why can't you tell me who it really is? Is it because you are afraid of calling him? If so, just give me his number and I will do it."

"It's not that I'm afraid of telling him, it's.. I don't know, it's complicated."

"Most things in life are complicated, Sayu. I am sure there is nothing you could tell me that I would not understand or be able to help with. I was young once, too, you know."

"I know, but this is different."

"Please help me understand."

"I made a mistake. Several mistakes, apparently," her daughter muttered as she looked down at her lap. "I thought-.. I-I thought I could trust him."

"What do you mean?" Sachiko asked gently, "Was he cheating on you? Is that why you broke up with him?"

"No, but he may as well have been. He lied to me about something.. Something big.. And when I confronted him about it, he acted like-.. like protecting himself was more important. Like I was some second-class citizen who didn't deserve to know the truth."

Sachiko sighed, "The truth does not mean as much to some others as it does to people like you and I, dear."

Her daughter became quiet for a moment after that, while still looking down at her lap. Something was obviously weighing on the young woman's mind, and Sachiko desperately wanted to know what it was so that she could help, but at this point she knew better than to push her daughter too far to answers. If and when she felt ready, Sayu would tell her, and Sachiko would be there to address the issue at that time.

"I know," Sayu said at last, her voice soft and quiet, "Believe me, I found that out the hard way."

"What did he lie to you about that caused you to want to end things with him?"

"It doesn't matter what the lie was. Honestly, I can even kind of understand _why_ he lied, but it's how he then acted like nothing was wrong about it. It's-.. His behavior - I never thought he could be that way, especially to me. He was like a completely different person. He made me feel-.. not used, but... insignificant," she explained, her eyes clouding over. Sachiko could almost see a replay of the events reflecting in her daughter's eyes - or rather, she could see a shadowed version of the events. She couldn't see exactly what had taken place, but she could see the effects, effects that came in a form of a clearly betrayed look on her daughter's face.

If she had not believed her daughter before about Matsuda not being involved, she believed her now. Whoever the father of her grandchildren was, he had deeply hurt her daughter - violated not only her trust, but her sense of self-worth - and that was not something she thought Matsuda to be capable of. Matsuda may not be the brightest, but he did not seem like the type to shrug off another person's feelings. Not only that, but he had sounded genuinely surprised by the revelation of Sayu's pregnancy.

Her heart ached for her daughter, and like any mother she wished she could erase her child's pain or take it all on herself, but there was nothing she could do. She could only watch as Sayu seemed to work herself up again.

"I thought I knew him. He was so kind and sweet and thoughtful. I was so happy with him - I felt like everything was finally going back to normal - and now I-.." She paused to draw in a feeble breath of air, one that sounded like she was trying to stop herself from crying, "..I wish I could just forget about him. And now I will have two children who will probably remind me of him every time I look at them."

"They will, sweetheart, but that can't be helped." When this only appeared to upset her daughter further, as painful as it was for her, Sachiko elaborated, "I think of your father every time I look at you – and every time I think of Light."

Sayu winced and shook her head, as if she didn't want to hear it, "Light was-.. I am nothing like him."

"You and Light were always very different from each other, but in some ways you are alike."

Her daughter sighed and shook her head again.

"You are," Sachiko continued, "But those are things I attribute more to your father. That's what I am trying to say, dear. Your children will always remind you of their father, but they are - will be - their own person more than anything else."

Her daughter drew in a trembling breath and blew it out, but at least she appeared to be listening to what she had to say. She seemed to have deflated, anyway.

A few moments of silence lapsed between the two of them, in which Sachiko waited to see if her daughter had anything else to say. When it seemed she did not, she said, "Well – I am sorry for the way things turned out between you and him. Truly, I am," She reached out and placed an arm around her daughter, hoping her next words would not upset her, "But he is no longer important. You have two babies on the way and you have to make them your number one priority now."

"I know," said Sayu quietly.

"I still want you to move back home with me. And I think you should drop out of university for now – we can revisit you picking classes back up after the babies are born."

"I think that's a good idea, too."

"Also, I think it would be best if you quit your job and I got one instead."

"But Mom, y-you haven't worked in-.."

"..-Since I married your father, I know. We have enough of a cushion from the money I mentioned yesterday to be comfortable, but it won't last forever, and I think we need to supplement our income somehow. I don't want you to worry – I am sure I can find a job locally, even if it's just doing laundry."

"But Mom," Sayu repeated, "I-..You're-…"

"As I said, the babies come first, and right now we need to make sure you are taken care of. I want you to take better care of yourself – stay home, get rest, eat well. No more of this eating ramen all the time. And make an appointment with your OB if you haven't already."

"I did… I did that yesterday before leaving the clinic."

"Good. I will go with you to your appointment if you want me to."

"I do want you to, but…"

"But what?"

"About staying home – I guess I am okay with that, but-.. I will not be some fat useless lump sitting on the couch all day. I need to do something."

"You can keep up with the chores, then, at least until you are much further along and as long as you don't push yourself."

"I promise, I won't."

"Then I think our first order of business is to get you some new clothes."

"Yeah, my pants have gotten kind of tight already. It's kind of hard to believe," Sayu said, tugging at her jeans to illustrate that there was no room left for further growth.

Sachiko shook her head and pressed her lips together. Try as she might, she could not picture her daughter heavily pregnant. And although they had some loosely laid plans, she felt uncertain about the future. Raising children was hard enough, but raising two infants at the same time and knowing that the father was out of the picture were just a couple of the added difficulties. A lot more crossed her mind, but she did not want to dwell too much on them at the moment either. It was better to take things one step at a time.


	6. Chapter 6

_Are you available later? I need to talk to you._

Matsuda blinked at the text message from Sayu. Considering the hectic phone call the day before, he felt apprehensive about the short message that was now displayed on his phone. It was even worse because he could only interpret the tone that was being used in the message as negative. Was he in trouble? Was he in for more bad news? Was Sayu herself in trouble? There was just no way of knowing this all through a simple text message.

With a small disarming smile at Aizawa - who had an eyebrow raised at him from the other side of his desk - Matsuda tapped out his response,

_Yes, but not until after probably 7 or so. Everything okay?_

"Everything okay?"

Matsuda managed to hold back a flinch, concerned that his boss had seen the messages despite being on the other side of a desk. "Yeah, everything is fine. Just checking in on Sayu."

"She's speaking to you again?"

"Er-.. Well, yeah. She-.." The sound of his phone receiving another incoming message interrupted him. "Just a sec."

_I don't know._

There was a brief interim in which something inside of Matsuda sank before another message buzzed in, and then-..

_Can you come over then?_

Matsuda felt his brow furrow, and as he began typing out his response, he could feel Aizawa's steely, hawk-like gaze upon him, measuring his reactions. Damn, why couldn't he have gotten these messages anywhere else other than in his boss' office with the man himself all but looming over him?

_Sure, I'll come over ASAP after work. Can't talk now – busy._

Her response was instant. _Okay, thank you._

Matsuda let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding as he moved to slip his phone back into his pocket, "Sorry about that. Everything is fine."

"You sure?" Aizawa sounded doubtful.

"Yeah, she just wants to talk some more about Light," Matsuda said, although he was pretty sure her messages had more to do with her current "situation" than Light.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to discuss his case with her without my being there."

"It doesn't seem like she is wanting to talk about the case, exactly. I think she just, um.. just needs someone to actually talk to about Light himself," he said, hoping that sounded convincing enough. Well, for all he knew, she really could just be wanting to talk about Light, but he really did not think so.

"Are you sure that's all it is?" Aizawa grumbled, looking irked.

"Well, what else could it be?" Matsuda said with a small laugh, "It's not like we're _dating_ or anything, heh."

Aizawa scoffed, "You damn well better not be."

Now Matsuda could not help but look crestfallen, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean," Aizawa said, leaning forward and piercing Matsuda with his stare, "That you damn well better not be dating her."

"..Since when did you start channeling the old chief?"

"Since you opened your big mouth to his daughter about his son's case."

Matsuda sighed, hanging his head, "I really am never going to live that down, am I?"

"Considering it was just about the stupidest thing you have ever done and it cost us an irreplaceable resource – no. And let's face it – you have done a plethora of stupid things-.."

"Hey!"

"So many that it would take a national consensus to figure out just how many-.."

"That's not-..!"

"Now, did you have a reason for being in here besides regaling me with your text messaging skills?"

Matsuda pressed his lips together into a thin, aggravated line, but he decided to let it go, seeing as Aizawa had pretty much spared him his life. "Yes, this case," he said, leaning forward and opening a case file.

He and Aizawa went over the file together, Matsuda presenting him with a potential break in the case, though Matsuda's focus was only partially allocated to their discussion. He was deeply worried about what Sayu wanted to see him for. Had she made a mistake about the baby being his? He didn't think so – she seemed adamant that it was Near's. Had she perhaps gotten an abortion? He really could not have blamed her for doing so.

Or.. what if she hadn't been able to convince her mother that he was not responsible?

Oh boy… He hoped he wasn't going to be getting a call from his parents soon. They had been pestering him for a long time about settling down, finding a wife, and starting a family, so getting a call from them due to a misunderstanding was the last thing he needed.

As a result of this train of thought, Matsuda spent the rest of the afternoon feeling phantom vibrations in his pocket. He checked his phone each time and felt simultaneously relieved and anxious at seeing no messages or missed calls, but his phone may as well have been a ticking time bomb sitting against his leg. At the very least, it felt like it was burning a hole in his pocket.

By the end of the day, after he finished up the extra janitorial duties he had received as punishment for his slip-up to Sayu about Light's case, he was a paranoid mess, complete with raised blood pressure and a dampened brow. As soon as he was free, he whipped his phone out of his pocket and sent a message to Sayu.

_I'm off. Heading over now. Need anything?_

_No, thank you. See you soon._

For some reason, though, Matsuda felt it would be rude to show up at a pregnant woman's house without bringing something for her to eat - so he stopped off at the store along the way and bought her some things he remembered hearing that pregnant women typically liked.

When he showed up at her door with a bag of groceries, Sayu looked at him, nonplussed. "What is all that?"

Matsuda flashed her a small, friendly smile, "Some things I thought you would like. I wasn't sure if you had eaten yet or not."

"Oh," Sayu said, giving him a small smile in return, as she took the bag and set it down on her kitchen counter, "Well, thank you."

"There are plenty of grapefruits in there for you, too," he pointed out, in response to which Sayu scrunched up her nose. Matsuda frowned, "You don't like grapefruit?"

"Not really."

"But I thought all pregnant women liked grapefruit."

"Where on earth did you hear that?"

"I dunno… Never mind, I'll just eat it myself."

"Sorry. I'll take these berries, though."

"Fair enough," Matsuda agreed, wanting to grin, but also hyper-aware of the fact that they seemed to be dancing around the subject of why he was there.

"Thank you," she said as she popped a few blueberries into her mouth.

"No problem - It's good to see you eating."

"Sometimes I feel like that's all I am doing."

"Well, uh.. that's.. normal... isn't it?"

Sayu shrugged, "I guess it is."

There was a lapse of silence between the two of them in which Matsuda wondered if he should prompt her into telling him why she had invited him over, but he decided to remain silent to allow her time to gather her thoughts, which he was sure were scattered at this time - his sure were.

"Also," she started as she sat herself down at her small dining room table, pushing a stack of mail out of the way and setting down a bowl full of the fruit Matsuda had brought her. "Thank you for, um... for not judging me. Especially because I have been such a terrible person.

" _What?_ " he squeaked in disbelief as he sat down across from her, "How can you say that about yourself? You are the least terrible person I know."

"I don't see how. I am nothing but a huge hypocrite."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, there's lying to my mom about Light for one. And then there's the fact that I don't know if I am going to tell Nate about the babies or not, when-.."

"Whoa, wait. _Babies_? There are more than one?"

Sayu pushed out a frustrated sigh, "Apparently."

"How-…?" Matsuda stammered, but then he remembered that they were in the middle of talking about something more important and said, "Never mind. Sorry to interrupt. Go on."

"That's it, actually. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.." she muttered, looking down and ripping apart a piece of junk mail. "That's why I called you over here. I'm sorry if you were busy or had plans later, I just-.. don't know what to do."

Momentarily, Matsuda felt deeply touched. Sayu was asking for his advice? No one ever did that. And here he was, having spent the entire day agonizing over thinking she was going to reveal more bad news – not that this conversation was a happy one, of course, but still. He felt a warm swell of affection rise up inside of him and was determined to do all he could to help, even if his advice didn't make sense even to himself sometimes.

"Okay, well, um.. I guess-… So how does not telling your mom about Light make you a hypocrite and a terrible person?"

"Because…" she huffed, closing her eyes as though she were in deep thought, and then frowned when she opened them again, "I was furious at you – and Nate – for not telling me the truth about my brother."

"Yeah, I remember." Matsuda was still not sure he was following her. He had an idea of what she was getting at, but for some reason the links were not connecting in his brain.

"How can I rightfully keep the truth from her when I broke up with Nate over the same thing?"

"Sayu," he began, bracing himself for a potential backlash from her, "This-.. This is exactly why none of us wanted to tell you about him either."

"What do you mean?"

"None of us wanted to do that to you. _I_ didn't want to do that to you," Matsuda said, swallowing as his mouth suddenly felt dry. Sayu was watching him expectantly so he continued, "Telling you that Light was dead was hard enough, especially after your father, and the kidnapping-.. But to then tell you that your brother was a... a-.."

"A serial killer?"

Taken off guard by her bluntness, Matsuda stammered, "Th-That's one way of putting it, yes. How could I - we - tell you that? Never mind that it was confidential and we weren't supposed to discuss it outside of the task force - It would have broken you."

Sayu blinked slowly at him a couple of times, drawing Matsuda's attention to the fact that her eyes were wet with tears. Why did she always have to cry whenever he was around her? It always made him feel like he was the cause. Still, she seemed to be holding it together for the most part - she was just upset, as anyone in her position would be.

"Well, you're right," she said softly, "It did break me."

"Sayu-... I don't think-.." Matsuda pushed out a sigh, trying his best to get his mouth to form the words his brain wanted to say, "Okay, maybe you are a little bit broken from it. Let's not lie about that. We _all_ are broken from it. Believe me. I've-.. I have had more nightmares than I can count. Sometimes I can't sleep at all. It's a wonder my eyes don't look like Ryuzaki's."

"Whose?"

"Never mind. I just mean that-.. I know he wasn't my brother, but he was my friend. I trusted him. I even admired him. He was a genius and much more popular than I will ever be. He always knew exactly what to say and how to say it, while I-.." He paused and looked up at Sayu, their eyes meeting. She looked sympathetic. Even after all the pain he had caused her, she still had the ability to feel sympathy for him? It seemed unfair, somehow, and made it difficult for him to continue. "I don't know if what I am going to say will make sense to you, but-.. Maybe finding out the truth about Light did break us, at least a little - more than a little - but telling your mom? It would _crush_ her. And that's not something you do to someone you love."

The silence that fell between them was almost palpable. Matsuda shifted in his seat in discomfort and watched Sayu as she seemed to be digesting what he said. She seemed to be fiddling more with the pile of the shredded junk mail, at any rate.

Not sure if she was going to say anything or not, he went on, "I mean, how would you feel finding out that your son was a murderer? And not only that, but he was also responsible for the death of your husband?"

Sayu inhaled through her nose and pushed it out slowly, "I don't know..."

"I don't know either," he said gently, "But I do know that after calling in and checking on your mom these past few years-.. Her emotional state-.. I think it would be kinder to just let her believe her son died a hero."

"I guess," she breathed, as though she was reluctant to accept that as the answer but also understanding. "But what do I do in the meantime? I can't stand to hear her talk about him. God, she talks about him like he was a saint. I can't believe _I_ thought he was a saint. I still can't believe he was really Kira..."

Matsuda watched her, feeling something uncomfortable slide around in his gut. They had _all_ thought Light was a saint...

"I wish I had an answer for you on that, but I don't. How do you think I felt the entire time talking to you on the anniversary of his death a few weeks ago?"

"I'm sorry… I wish I had known."

"It's not your fault. But I hope now you at least somewhat understand why none of us had the heart to tell you or your mother the truth."

Sayu nodded and pushed around some of the scraps of paper, "Do you think that Nate-.. No, I doubt it."

"What?"

"Just-.. I can understand now why _you_ wouldn't tell me – I'm still mad at the way it happened-.."

"Sorry."

"..It's okay, I guess. I can understand why you were reluctant to tell me, but Nate-.. His reaction I don't understand."

Now, Matsuda of course had not been there to witness how everything had played out between Sayu and Near, but he did know it had resulted in their breaking up – that's about all he knew of the situation. He was curious to no end about their relationship in general (and maybe just a little bit jealous), but he knew better than to pry. He supposed it wouldn't be prying if she had brought it up, though…

"What happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No, it's okay," she sighed, "I confronted him about it and all he did was try to placate me and then tell me that I was a 'civilian' and had no right to know." She paused and drew in a shaky breath before continuing, "He acted like nothing was wrong – like lying to my face was okay; like me finding out my brother murdered _thousands_ of people was nothing compared to the fact that case information had been leaked to me. He acted like.. God, I don't know, like a sociopath. He was like a completely different person. It was like someone flipped a switch and out came this alternate personality I had never seen before. I don't understand. How could he be so.. inhuman?"

"Sayu.. the last thing I want to do is upset you more-..."

"God," Sayu whispered, lowering her head so that Matsuda could not see her eyes. "What else is there?"

"I won't say anything else if you don't want me to."

"Don't tell me – he really is a sociopath?"

"I-.. don't know if that is the word I would use, but I definitely think something is-.. I don't think he is capable of feeling emotions the way normal people do."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he began, hesitating for a moment until Sayu gestured for him to continue. He really didn't want to break her further, but he knew she would not forgive him again if he did not tell her everything he knew, especially if it could affect her decision to have Near in the babies' lives. "The day your brother-.. The day Near confronted Light-.. It was like a game to him. He didn't seem to care as much about executing justice as he did about winning. Even after I shot Light-…" Matsuda's voice broke and he swallowed, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, at least for Sayu's sake, "I can't-.. I don't want to go into the details about that - I just want to say that Near didn't react much to that either. I don't know what else to say about that. It just wasn't normal."

"God," Sayu said again, closing her eyes.

"I'm so sorry for upsetting you, Sayu. That's not what I wanted to do."

"How did I miss it?"

"Huh?"

"If he's really like that-.. But he was different with me. He was kind and sweet and thoughtful and-.. He loved me."

"Did he ever say that he did?"

"No. But then I never really said it either – it didn't seem to matter because we were happy together. At least I thought we were."

"I don't know if he is capable of understanding love, at least not the way a normal person would."

"But why? Why wouldn't he? You must be wrong. If he can't really understand or feel love, then how could he-.. How could he smile at me and laugh with me and kiss me and.. and sleep with me?"

"The same way Light could smile and laugh with us and then..." he trailed off, hoping the rest would speak for itself.

"So, first I have a sociopath for a brother, and then I fall in love with one," she said, looking down at the bowl of fruit, picking out a strawberry, and pushing it into her mouth with a sigh. Matsuda was not sure if her comment was meant to be rhetorical or not, but it made him feel bad for her all the same. He wished he could take away her pain.

Something must have suddenly dawned on her, because for the first time since their conversation began, Sayu looked more concerned than anything else. One of her hands slid off the table and rested against her abdomen, an action Matsuda was sure was a subconscious one, "Y-You don't think it's-.. Whatever was - is - wrong with them.. You don't think it's genetic.. do you?"

"I don't know.. I don't _think_ so, " he answered honestly, knowing it would do nothing to put her mind at ease. The unease on Sayu's expression only grew from his comment and the hand she had placed on her swelling belly remained where it was. "I think in at least Near's case, it could be how he was raised."

"How he was raised?"

"Do you know anything about where he came from?"

"I know he's British, if that's what you mean."

"Right, but did he ever-.. No, of course he wouldn't have told you. Well, I guess it doesn't matter if I tell you since Near broke things off with the NPA anyway-.."

He again felt reluctant to tell her something that he knew would hurt her, but he also knew now that he could not get away with that. It would be better for him to just tell her now rather than her find out later and be pissed off at him again.

"We don't know much, but we do know that he grew up in an orphanage in the UK."

Matsuda observed as her eyebrows came together in consternation and she murmured, "..What happened to him?"

"We don't know. We don't know anything about his childhood or how he wound up there. The only information we could gather from our time on the Kira case was that the orphanage was actually kind of like some top secret training facility for gifted children who had been orphaned. That's how he came to be the current L - they were training up successors to fill in his shoes one day." Matsuda paused to push out a breath of air. Sayu was silent as ever as she listened. "Who knows what all else went on there."

"So.. you think that-.. because he grew up at that orphanage, it made him.. the way he is?"

"That would be my best guess. I honestly don't know anything other than that, but I think that whatever he went through - either as a child or at the orphanage, or both.. it had an affect on him."

"Then how can I not tell him about the babies?"

Matsuda blinked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"If he grew up as an orphan, don't you think he would want to know his own children?"

"I honestly can't say what he would want. From what you told me, it sounded like he-.. I'm sorry to say this, Sayu, I'm not saying it to upset you... but it sounded like he had the choice between you and being L, and he chose L."

"But you said that's what he was raised to become. That's all he has known. Did anyone ever give him a chance to be anything different?" she said. Matsuda was quiet. "I mean, I am mad as hell at him and hurt and about a hundred different things, but don't you think someone should give him the chance to choose what he wants?"

"But you _did_ give him the chance."

"Yes, but that was _me_ \- these are _his children_. He has the right to know and the right to choose."

"But what will you do if doesn't choose his children either? What if he decides that he doesn't have the time or whatever for them and turns his back on you again?"

"I don't know."

"And then you will be stuck with raising two children, on your own. Do you have any idea what kind of struggles you are going to face with that?"

"I _know_."

"No one will blame you for getting an abortion, if that's what you choose to do," he said, and then closed his mouth in a hurry because he really had not meant to say that out loud, true as it was.

It turned out to be quite the mistake on his part, because Sayu's demure attitude was gone in a flash. "I KNOW THAT!" she shouted, her face red with anger, "Don't you think I considered all of that _before_ I went in to the clinic yesterday?!"

"Sayu-.."

"I don't need someone acting as my father right now!"

"I'm sor-.."

"I may have messed up, but I am _not_ stupid!"

"I'm SORRY!" he said with a raised voice, effectively ending Sayu's tirade, "I'm not saying you are stupid! God, I would _never_ think that of you. Please, Sayu-.. Damn it, why do I always-..?"

And there she went with the crying again. Matsuda sighed, feeling like he had just messed everything up as usual, and resisted the urge to reach across the table and take her hands - he resisted because he remembered her ire the last time he had tried that, weeks ago, when she had first found out the truth about Light.

"Please, listen to me," he said softly, staring at her and urging her to look up at him. When she finally did, her eyes red and glistening, he went on, "I am sorry for saying that. I didn't mean to upset you. I always seem to say the wrong thing..."

Still Sayu did not respond - she only reached out to shove more fruit into her mouth, hiccoughing around it as she chewed. If she hadn't been crying her eyes out - much less on account of him - he would have found the action endearing, a thought which reminded him all over again how angry he was at Near for everything.

"Can I be honest with you?"

Sayu sniffled, her mouth still full as she retorted, "You have been brutally honest about everything else so far, so why not?"

Choosing to ignore her sarcasm, he said, "I think.. you have a good heart and you are just about the strongest person I have ever met." He couldn't tell if she was blushing or not, as her face was still red from yelling at him moments ago and from crying, but she did pause for a second as she was reaching to grab another strawberry. "And as such, you want to fix people. But not everyone can be fixed."

Sayu swallowed, sniffled again, and said, "H-H-How do you kn-know.. that h-he can't be fixed?"

"Well... has he tried to contact you at all since you last talked?"

"No... But I haven't called him either."

"But you made it clear that you were mad at him about everything? And he hasn't tried to apologize or anything?"

Sayu shook her head.

"There you have it," Matsuda said, "He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. You said yourself that he acted like nothing was wrong. He's never going to think he was wrong."

"Even so... How can I keep a secret like this from him when I broke up with him over keeping a big secret from me? Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? Isn't that selfish?"

Matsuda knew he had to be careful with what he had to say. "I don't think anything you do that is right for your children is selfish."

"And.. you honestly think that keeping them from him is what is right for them?"

"After everything I have seen from him - yes," he replied, feeling his gut twist up when he saw her expression darken. "What kind of father can you expect him to be if he doesn't realize the significance of family over cases?"

"I don't know... I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was," Sayu whispered, wiping her eyes with her sleeves.

"Me too," said Matsuda as he leaned back in his chair, knowing he had not given her the best of advice, but, well.. he had tried. Regardless of what her decision would be, Matsuda knew that he would be there for her as best as he could. He couldn't explain why, but he did feel responsible for her well-being, and therefore also for the well-being of the unborn babies. Maybe it was because he had, as Aizawa had put it earlier, opened his big mouth to her about her brother's case and had therefore set all of these events in motion. Funny how, after all the worry and panic, he ended up feeling responsible anyway.

Sayu sighed, interrupting his thoughts. "It's not always black and white, is it?"

"No. It's not."

 


	7. Chapter 7

No missed calls. No new messages.

Although Near felt disappointed, he could not say he was surprised. He was not sure why he had even bothered to check in the first place - the device had been laying beside him the whole time, so of course he would have heard it go off should he have received any incoming communications. But it had been silent for weeks, now.

Nothing about his expression or demeanor changed as he lay aside the simple, nondescript mobile phone and then reached over to delicately pluck a single square of chocolate off the top of the pyramid of chocolate squares he had built a little while ago. He placed the square on his tongue and allowed it to slowly dissolve.

As the smooth sweetness of it ran across his tongue, he began to open a new box of Tarot cards. He was going through a lot more of them lately, but this was the last of the towers he would be building for now - seeing as he was running out of room - and he wanted to make sure it was done right. The chocolate pyramid had nothing on the tower he was currently working on. This tower started with a base of sixteen pairs of cards, making it so he had to kneel in order to work on the current row of ten pairs. He needed to lay a base of ten cards and build atop that, so he began by shuffling the deck.

He thought about maybe running his train sets through the vast card metropolis once he was done with building it, but the stack of unread files and list of unread emails at his workstation was niggling in the back of his mind. He really should at least look at them, as his team had been pestering him to do for the last few weeks. Lidner had already called him out on his behavior, and although he had threatened to fire her, she continued her stares that were both accusatory and sympathetic. As far as he was concerned, this was a mere testing of wills - Lidner with her stares and Near with his perfected ability to ignore people. Near fully intended on winning. He would get around to the files.. eventually.. When he was ready.

For now, he had this tower to finish. He drew two cards at random and carefully laid them flat atop the layer of eleven pairs, beginning the foundation of the next layer. As he gazed upon them, he scoffed. The Lovers card and the Star card, both reversed - naturally. If he had it his way, he would have that first card removed from all of his decks of Tarot cards. In fact, he considered calling his team in to have it done, but that would require tearing apart all of his walls and towers, and that was not something he wanted done just yet.

How much weight should he be putting on these stupid Tarot cards anyway? They were just cards - they in no way held any power over his destiny or future. Besides, he was much too logical to really believe in what the cards said or foretold. That was what Sayu had said, so he was not sure exactly why he was even bothering to read them while setting them up anyway. He supposed it was because he was bored.

Near paused in the middle of pulling out another card as her name flitted across his mind. There were a few lost, confusing moments in which is thoughts derailed for several seconds. He was only able to get them to come back online by placing another square of chocolate on his tongue. After allowing the chocolate to melt, the taste of the candy making him wonder what his former rival would be doing were he in Near's place instead, he exhaled and pulled the next card.

The Hanged Man. That was interesting. He did feel he was stuck in place at the moment, but why was that and what could he do to change it? He was sure that none of those cases would have interested L, but as Lidner had said to him several weeks ago, he was himself as much as he was L. But would L have even gotten himself into a situation like this? For that matter, what was his situation? He was finding it exceedingly difficult to move forward. Move forward with what, exactly? Cases? More specifically, the cases his team had picked for him. Lidner seemed to feel one in particular was at least worth a look at, as she had waved it around a few times and announced some of the case details to him. Honestly, someone killing registered sex offenders in America? Was he supposed to find that interesting? It was probably just another idiotic Kira copycat, only this one clearly did not have a death note - the violent, gruesome deaths of the victims all attested to that. He supposed someone _could_ have a death note, but he found it unlikely that anyone would take the time to write those kinds of details in the notebook. Not only that, but one could not use the death note to manipulate one person into killing another. And these murders all appeared to be highly personal - the level of.. well, _care_ , for lack of a better word.. that was put into the murders was enough to convince him that there was no notebook involved. It was obviously someone who had a vendetta against sex offenders - the killer had probably even been a victim of a sex crime him or herself and figured they could use the recent rise in Kira copycats as an excuse to exact whatever kind of revenge their twisted mind invented.

There. He had already solved it. No need to look into it any further. His team would probably be annoyed, but that did not matter much to him at the moment. What mattered was finishing this tower.

Next card. Five of Cups. Disappointment. He supposed he did feel a bit disappointed - disappointed in his current situation and in the legacy that L - both of them - had left him. Copycat Kiras? Was that all that was left to him now? Where was the challenge in that? The challenge presented by Light Yagami and the death notes was one in a billion - no, eight billion. He would likely never again find a puzzle as invigorating as that one to solve, and that case had been his first. He knew he could possibly grow bored over time because people themselves were boring. People did boring things, plain and simple. As soon as he was done building this tower, he himself would probably be bored. Sayu was never boring, though - not like these frauds who did boring things like try to piggyback off someone else's ideals, however warped, in order to either gain fame or to put forth their own ideals under the guise of the original ideal.

His thoughts derailed again. He had to get these stray thoughts under control, and without the use of chocolate in order to do so. Now, if he could just focus all of his attention to the task at hand, he would be able to finish this tower and move on with things.

He drew another card, turning it over and revealing the Six of Swords. Move on? Wasn't that what he was doing? Or trying to do, at least. He was sure that if he could just finish this last tower, he would be able to move forward. Well, unless he decided to run his trains through the cards after all, but by then he was pretty sure his team would be cornering him and demanding that he pick himself back up and start taking cases again, regardless of how boring they appeared to be. Perhaps if he could just put himself back on track, like one of his trains, things would work themselves out from there.

Thoughtful, he pulled out another card and looked at it as he laid it down. Two of Wands. And there it was. It seemed that even the cards agreed that all he needed to do was pick himself up and trudge his way forward. What else could he do? He could not sit around "playing" with his Tarot cards all day, as Lidner had put it. Well, sure he could, but that was not what he was raised to do - he was raised to succeed L one day, and succeed L was exactly what he had done. That was his true purpose, not building cities of Tarot cards in the room of his central command, right over the spot where he and Sayu had first admitted their feelings for one another.

His thoughts nearly derailed for a third time, but as soon as his thoughts strayed, he shoved another piece of chocolate into his mouth. Well, maybe it didn't matter if he used the chocolate as a coping mechanism for the time being - he had already opened the entire bar and broken it down square by square, so he may as well finish it off. He rather preferred tea and biscuits and to play with his various toys, but he did not feel like calling his team to fetch them for him and therefore have to bear their mixed looks of concern and disapproval, so he would just have to work with what he had at hand.

What he had at hand was.. The King of Wands. There it all was, being laid all out before him like a map he simply had to follow. He knew that in his inherited role as L he, in a way, held the world in his hands. Not the same way that Yagami had during his reign as Kira, but the world respected and trusted L - well, to a degree. And with the exception of Kira supporters. And, well-.. except the Japanese police, now. Maybe he had been a bit rash in that particular decision, but there was no way he could continue to work with them after their carelessness. It not only cost him his faith in their ability to protect the confidentiality of their cases, but it had cost him-..

He hurriedly reached over, grabbed another piece of chocolate, and popped it into his mouth before that line of thought could go any further.

Anyway, although he had had this role for a little over three years now, he had never before given much thought as to the responsibility. Not just the responsibility to uphold the law, but to carry out L's vision. Sure, L's vision was simply to solve the most interesting cases, and although Near had solved the most interesting case so far, that did not mean that there would not be more to follow just because now there was a rise in copycat Kiras. After all, another notebook had recently appeared - and disappeared, it seems, after his worldwide broadcast to the killer. Did that mean that things were shaking up in the shinigami realm and that more notebooks would be arriving on earth? If the shinigami were all just as bored as Ryuk when he had come around, he would not put it past them to bring more notebooks to earth for their own entertainment. Even with Yagami gone, the very concept of the death note itself was a challenge, so perhaps this was not all over yet.

Feeling a little better, he produced the eighth card. Wheel of Fortune. Now that was an awfully positive card, at least given the progression of the rest of the cards. If things were working in his favor, why did he even feel lost to begin with? Of course, it was just another way of saying to let go and move on, and as he already worked out up to this point, he believed he had all he needed to move on - it was the letting go part that was proving difficult. He glanced over at his mobile phone, silent as it had been for the last several weeks. Maybe it would be in his favor to cut off all communication through that particular phone. In all honesty, he would probably be able to focus better on not only his card towers, but on those files and his role as L. But still... If there was even a one percent chance it could be one day contacted again, he felt better leaving it open...

Slipping another piece of chocolate into his mouth, he sighed and revealed the final pair of cards and froze. The Death card and the Sun card. He had never seen them paired together like that before - it definitely gave off an ominous vibe, but the fact that the Sun card was present foretold of brighter things to come immediately following the darkness. Or, as the old adage goes, "whenever one door closes, another one opens." It seemed to be telling him what he now already knew. Although certain things in his life had recently come to an end, it did not mean that it was _the_ end. This ending had opened up new windows of opportunity for him. It was true that during his time with Sayu (her name in his thoughts was underlined by yet another square of chocolate going into his mouth), he had grown quite distracted. He had not minded the distraction at the time - not that _she_ had been a distraction - but now it was time to refocus on what his true purpose was, and that was fulfilling his responsibility as L.

The cards had everything spelled out for him, and just as he had explained to Sayu a couple months ago, the interpretation of a Tarot reading was not only up to the person performing the reading, but also the person receiving it. Seeing as Near was both in this instance, what he decided to take away was that he already had everything he needed inside of himself to pick himself up and set himself back on track. No matter how many times one of his trains derailed, he could always make a few adjustments, set it back on its tracks, and watch it run even better than before.

It was settled. He was L and he had the whole world in which to play. He would pick up those case files, call his team in, and get to work on them, starting with that case in America. After that, he would start at the top and work his way down and see where it all took him.

But first - he had to finish this tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, folks - the end of this installment. Stay tuned for the next part of the series, but again, feel free to take this fic as it is if you wish to leave it here. As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Thank you for reading so far!


End file.
